HYPER/TEXT

HYPER/TEXT is a queer advice column for the digital age: a space for the subcultural dilemmas that leave offline friends scratching their heads.

Is it wise to block your best friend over lesbian discourse? What on Earth is a “kinnie?” Check in biweekly for answers to these questions and more as we delve into the lives of the hyper-online!

Fox Auslander is a non-binary poet based in Southwest Philadelphia. They are a poetry reader at The Chestnut Review and Alien Magazine, one of two co-editors at Delicate Friend, and probably happy. Find them on Twitter @circumgender.

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05.06.21

Nervous Kinky Theyby asks:

I have some niche kinks in the general realm of belly inflation. My partner knows about my kinks, is super nonjudgmental, and has expressed interest in trying them. I’m nervous about asking to try. Do I give them a whole scene scenario, or should I start smaller? They really don’t know much about my kinks beyond the fact that they exist, I’ve never really enacted those kinks in real life, and I’m not sure how to approach real life play. Any help is appreciated!

CONTENT WARNINGS FOR SEXUAL CONTENT, BRIEF MENTION OF DEATH

As a former deviantART denizen, I was aware of belly inflation kinks and the art enthusiasts generate. However, I didn’t know how the fetish manifests - or even could manifest - in real life.

It turns out there are three primary methods of real-life inflation (four, if you’re an economist): air (inserted anally, through a pump), water (inserted anally, through enemas), and food (inserted orally, like, well, you know). Each method contains its own unique set of risks and, for fetishists, rewarding sensations.

One terrifying risk of air- and water-based inflation is intestinal rupture, leading to life-threatening infection. Doctors and practicing kinksters alike advise against casual play, since the high risk of death isn’t a fair trade for an hour of getting your rocks off.

You should enter any conversation with your partner prepared to answer my riddles three:

Do you want to roleplay a scene in which you pretend one of your bellies is inflated, using an inflatable bodysuit or the wonders of your imagination, or do you want to actually inflate one of your stomachs?
If you choose the latter option, which method are you looking to use? Are you informed about the potential risks that come with each?
Is your partner willing to take on those risks, including your or their own potential death?

Once all that’s squared away, maybe you can consider what your ideal inflation scene entails. Until then, stay safe, stay consensual, and stay far away from your gas station’s tire pump.

04.22.21

Swiping the Right Way asks:

Whenever my girlfriends get sad about something, their first reaction is to go on dating apps. One girlfriend even makes her profile visible to men, which she never does otherwise. I don’t understand this at all. What am I missing?

It’s been over a year since I’ve been on dating apps (good-bye, polyamory!), but I remember this feeling well. Maybe I’d just come home from a bad date. Maybe my nesting partner wasn’t giving me enough attention. Maybe I was just in a bad mood from something unrelated to sex or romance. Whatever the case may be, I could always pull up my Tinder profile and know that, to some rando within a twenty mile radius, I was the most beautiful thing on God’s green earth.

For many people, dating apps are a quick, reliable way to access validation. Who among us doesn’t want to be gushed over by dozens of attractive strangers? To be told that you’re desirable, compelling, sexy, fun? It’s tempting to lose yourself in a few hours of mindless swiping, occasionally jolted by the dopamine and digital fanfare that comes with finding a match. Your girlfriends are probably seeking a temporary bandage to put over their hurt, and it’s far from pathological or uncommon.

But even when I was open to new partners, Tinder was only a quick fix - and it left a nasty aftertaste. It’s easy for escapist fantasies to morph into overabundant choice, leaving you anxious about missed connections or open opportunities. In the long run, the highs of my Tinder use didn’t nullify the frantic emptiness of its lows, and when the slow pace of steady monogamy came to claim me, I welcomed it with open arms.

I’d encourage your girlfriends to find alternative ways to process hurt or boredom - especially the one who only seeks out men when she’s upset. It’s harmless to indulge on occasion, but cutting down could lead to more fulfilling, present, and healthy relationships - both with themselves and others they seek to date.

01.04.21

Themfluencer Dysphoria Blues asks:

I’m worried one of my TikTok friends is becoming a “themfluencer.” They recently launched a website for gender consultations, but they actually offer free ones unlike most of the new gender grifts we've been seeing. How do I maintain my anti-themfluencer platform without radicalizing them in the wrong direction?

As always, here’s an explanation for the casual reader: a “themfluencer” is a (usually white, usually thin, usually rich or comfortably middle-class) nonbinary person who monetizes their online platform by advertising products or services. The term carries a negative connotation, since “themfluencers” often sell predatory products targeted at the transgender community. One particularly notorious themfluencer, Rae McDaniel, charges $997 for annual access to GenderFck: The Club, their support group and “coaching program” targeting newly out trans people. If you’re not sure why this service is capital-P Problematic, consider it like this: some swanky therapist charges vulnerable people $1000/year for free, readily available “coming out” resources.

That being said, friends shouldn’t let friends become themfluencers. Not only will they (rightfully) get dragged across the Internet and back, their platform could cause legitimate harm to marginalized groups. But you know this, Themfluencer Dysphoria Blues, and you’ve clearly stated your stance on the matter.

It doesn’t seem like your friend plans to charge exorbitant amounts of money for consultations. In fact, they’re offering their services for free, which leads me to believe they’re headed in their own anti-themfluencer direction. However, there could be some crucial context I’m missing, some subtle sign that their TikTok presence is about to shift into some monstrous gender-related grift. If that ends up being the case, you could use the fable of Rae McDaniel to explain why their behavior is predatory.

At the very least, trans Twitter will ensure they hear your message loud and clear.

03.16.21

The Online Non-Binary asks:

Hi! What the fuck is a “femme?”

My skin flushes deep crimson, erupting into hives. Foam hurricanes from my mouth; the walls of my throat hold one another close. In the moments before my world fades to black, my hands grasp at the keyboard for their final, desperate endeavor.

A femme… is…

Well! That isn’t helpful.

Historically, lesbian femmes were the counterpart to butches, first arising in the twentieth century from lower-class American lesbian bar culture. Some modern lesbians conceive of “butch” and “femme” as distinct lesbian gender identities, while others parse the labels as aesthetic signifiers.

However, “femme” discourse extends beyond lesbian spheres. In modern use, “femme” refers to anything from “a woman” to “a person of any gender who expresses stereotypically feminine characteristics.” For example, bigoted gay men’s dating profiles proclaim an aversion to “fats and fem(me)s,” using “femme” to reference less masculine styles of presentation. Others restrict femme identity to queer and trans individuals, arguing that “to identify as femme while straight dismisses its historical, political, and cultural significance.” One Autostraddle article even locates “femme” within “emotional labor, witchcraft, and self-empowerment,” which I will leave for you to puzzle through like some elaborate Rubik's Cube.

In short, thousands of people identify as femmes, regardless of what its “correct definition” may be. It’s not a slur - though if you call me one, it will be - and, like many identities in the wider LGBT+ community, “femme” first diverged from its source material decades ago.

So, Online Non-Binary, what is a femme?

To this I say: Duolingo, we simply cannot know.

25.02.21

Ex-Metamour Struggles asks:

My girlfriend had two messy breakups last year. We all live in the same city, and it feels inevitable that we'll run into them due to the size of the local queer scene. I'm worried about it!

My other girlfriend already has to interact with one of them because their field of work is somehow smaller than the local lesbian scene. I don't want to avoid going out or feel like we need to leave a place if either of them are there, but I'm really trying to avoid a public shouting match because they're unhappy seeing us out together (it's happened once already).

How can I stop worrying about this? Am I able to do anything to avoid something messy happening?

For the casual reader: confused about what a metamour might be? I included an easy list of polyamory-based definitions in my February 11th column, Gay World Problems!

Ex-Metamour Struggles, I am so sorry. Messy breakups are never fun to maneuver, far less so when they shouldn’t involve you in the first place. It’s unfair (and scary) to be shouted down for being with your girlfriend in public. This person’s intense feelings should not be your burden to bear.

I’ve certainly experienced my own share of awkward lesbian social situations, from sharing a dorm building with an ex-partner to falling out with an ex-friend after they’d been accused of assault. These post-conflict interactions, though vastly different in scope, were universally categorized by a feverish tension. Sneers were exchanged, group situations became suffocating, and events were avoided. Eventually, we phased out of each other’s social lives, abandoning old haunts and hobbies in a reluctant show of mutual surrender.

I hated how uncomfortable I was! I hated how uncomfortable I could make others. So I decided, whenever possible, I would swallow my anxiety. I would reach out to those with whom I was in conflict. And, if they agreed, we would meet in-person to discuss how we could exist in community with one another.

Of course, these conversations aren’t easy, and they haven’t always perfectly resolved. Both parties must be willing to discuss their perspectives openly, accept the other party’s, and provide workable solutions. For example, does one party request an apology or an explanation for past behavior? Do they feel like certain actions must be taken by the other party to prove accountability and growth? Would they like to avoid sharing space at all costs, or are there ways they can comfortably coexist? I recommend coming up with answers to these questions before entering these conversations, if only to avoid stressfully prolonging them.

However, there are times the other party won’t accept an invitation to talk, and that needs to be respected. There are times when no conclusion is reached, and that also needs to be accepted. With this in mind, Ex-Metamour Struggles, I see three possible paths before you:

You approach your girlfriend’s ex-partners and propose reconciliation on your girlfriend’s behalf.
Your girlfriend approaches her ex-partners with a proposal for reconciliation.
You and your girlfriend avoid spaces and events where you know her ex-partners are involved or in attendance.

If the second option is at all feasible, I recommend it. Your girlfriend knows her ex-partners best, and this might be the best way forward - for her, for you, and for any future partners who might have to deal with the same vitriol. However, above all, please prioritize your own emotional and physical safety. No one should feel shunned from public existence because of their partner, in whatever form that might take.

11.02.21

Gay World Problems asks:

Help! I'm crushing on my double metamour, Futaba (she/her).

I've been dating my primary partner, Ann (she/they), for ~1.5 years, and she is Futaba’s primary partner. I've been friends with Futaba for the same amount of time, and we hang out regularly alongside our extended polycule.

Since we first met, I've been of the opinion that Futaba is super cute and nice and... well... feelings happened. I've held off on doing anything out of fear of making Ann feel like I was abandoning her. Also, a while back, a second partner of mine, Haru, (she/her), asked Futaba if she was interested in me, and Haru was informed I am not Futaba’s type.

Recently, I flirted with Futaba a couple times while drunk. This included me asking her out (in a joking way) and her saying yes. For context, this joke arose after Futaba saw me making out with another of her partners, Sumire (she/her), and asked me why I never asked her out before. I have no idea if she remembers saying that or if she considers it even slightly serious.

I don't want to make things awkward, but I also don't want to let go of an opportunity to get with another amazing partner.

Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi! You're my only hope.

A few definitions for the casual reader:

Polyamory is the practice of engaging in multiple romantic and sexual relationships with the consent of all involved.
Primary partnership refers to when two people in a polyamorous dynamic make specific commitments to one another that, in some way, prioritizes their dynamic over others.
Metamour means a partner’s partner.
Polycules are the entwined webs of romantic and social dynamics present in polyamorous networks.

With that out of the way: holy lesbian polycules, Batwoman! If I have to draw a chart just to understand your 200 word story, you’ve told it to the right place.

Complicated social dynamics aside, it sounds like you (and Futaba, too) are suffering from a classic case of lesbian sheep syndrome. She implied she wanted to be asked out. You want to ask her out. Instead, you both kiss the partners you have in common and hope the other will act first. It would be cute if it wasn’t maddening for everyone involved.

Of course, I understand your hesitation: Haru let you know that Futaba might not see you as a viable romantic option. However, time has passed, and her opinion may have changed. You never explicitly asked Futaba about her feelings for you, nor did Haru communicate yours. And attraction is such a fickle thing: my last long-term relationship - in which we dated for three years and cohabited for two - was with someone I prior defined strictly as a friend.

While I never advocate for pushing someone’s boundaries, they’re not boundaries if they weren’t drawn in the first place. TL;DR: shoot your shot! At the end of the day, the worst she can say is “No.”